Super Meals: Part Twenty-One

When he was finished, he considered it a piece of art.

It was a burger, yes, but there was more to it than that. He had consulted his tablet and looked up a few recipe combinations, cross-referencing them with what he remembered of the rental car driver, and invented a whole new burger.

It would have been a tremendous success, if the fast-food company would ever be allowed to release it.

Except for the side effects, of course.

The bun was a Kaiser-roll, part of the restaurant’s premium menu.

The patty was a third-pound “buffalo” burger. There was no actual beef or buffalo in it, but it did contain enough mammal meat to pass the FDA tests. The additional chemicals that were added back at Doctor Ralph’s laboratory gave it the same consistency, texture, and flavor of buffalo meat.

For toppings, he included mini jalapeno poppers and onion straws – neither of which had ever seen sunlight or dirt or anything else typically required to grow vegetables. The “jalapeno” poppers were cooked whole in an industrial press from a mixture of gelatin, breadcrumbs, and jalapeno flavoring; the onion straws were something Doctor Ralph was particularly proud of. He had cooked down konjac yams and mixed them with paraffin wax as a stiffening agent, then cut them into little triangles and dried them out. When seasoned with onion powder, they were just like sliced onions, which he then tossed and coated with a shredded breadlike product most known for being cooked on stove-tops and being stuffed into turkeys.

He held the entire concoction together with a creamy Havarti cheese (entirely synthetic, of course) that was perfectly melted over the toppings to hold them in place and glue them to the bun.

He wrapped this perfect weapon of a burger in a plain white waxed paper wrapper, which he then placed into a small paper bag. He folded it shut, and then taped the folds closed like he was wrapping a present. When he was all finished, he looked up and saw that SaraBecca was standing just off to the side, watching him, smiling. “So what’d you make?” she asked.

“This is something truly unique,” he said, “but I have to deliver it to our local tester for their taste test.”

She looked disappointed and said, “Oh, I was really hoping that I could try it myself. I always kinda hoped I could get in on one of the test burgers before it went public.”

“Well,” said Doctor Ralph, “I will certainly make a positive note in my report about both the quality of your kitchen and the quality of the taste testers in this area. And when the time comes for us to promote someone to test-kitchen manager, guess who’s name is going to be at the top of the list of candidates?”

SaraBecca literally squealed as she clapped her hands together and bounced with excitement. Doctor Ralph held up a hand to silence her, then said “Now, may I please borrow your car?”

“My…car?” she asked.

“Yes,” said Doctor Ralph. “If one of our competitors spotted me driving my car away from here in the middle of the night like this, I’m sure they’d follow me and try to steal our trade secrets. You understand, of course.”

She didn’t understand, of course, but she went along with it anyway.

Doctor Ralph took her keys and drove two blocks away before pulling over to the side of the road and taking his tablet computer out again. He logged into his work intranet connection and pulled up the most recent contest that the fast food giant had run. He narrowed down the list of entrants to the current town he was in, then narrowed it further by telling it to display male entrants only. He selected the right age group, then chose the entrants who’s household income was in the $20-$30,000 range (because, really, how much money could you make as a rental car delivery boy?), then selected the entrants who were also friends with the fast food company on social media channels.

It took him mere minutes to scan through the faces of the results and find the young man he was looking for. Mister Adam Martin, a scruffy, scrawny man who lived with this fiancé on the far side of town. She was working, meaning Adam would be home alone and Doctor Ralph could make his delivery with no troubles.

Except for the two police officers who had arrived at the apartment five minutes previously.

They’d knocked and announced that they were there to place him into protective custody, and that their supervisor, a Detective Mimi Spatchcock, would be arriving shortly to interview him in connection with an ongoing murder investigation.

Adam simply said “Uh…okay. Are you guys gonna wait outside or come in?”

The lead officer said “We’ll remain outside of the home, sir, in order to ensure that you stay safe.”

“Cool,” said Adam. “Can I play video games while I wait?”

“Um, sure?” replied the cops.

“Cool,” said Adam again, closing the door and heading back to his easy chair and video game controller.

When Doctor Ralph pulled up, the police were already bored waiting for Mimi.

Doctor Ralph got out of the car and both of the police put their hands on their guns, but he held up the paper bag and said “Delivery for a mister…” he checked a sloppy note he’d written on a piece of paper. “…mister Adam Martin. Is this his place?”

The officers looked at each other, then the shorter one said “Since when did you guys deliver?”

“Since, like, a month ago,” said Doctor Ralph. “Where have you guys been? Don’t you check the app?”

The officers looked at Doctor Ralph, then each other, and then the shorter cop reached behind him and knocked on the door. “Mister Martin?” he asked. “There’s a deliver here for you.”

“Delivery?” asked Adam. “Of what?” He opened the door and saw Doctor Ralph, who smiled and held up the paper bag.

“Your burger, Mister Martin. You signed up on our website as a beta tester for new meals, remember? Here’s the first one.” He moved towards the door, but the taller cop stopped him, saying “Wait, why are you delivering in the middle of the night?”

Doctor Ralph sighed and said “Um, duh? We’re working with some pretty sensitive stuff here…” He saw the look on the cops’ faces and added “Sir. Look, we don’t want our competition to know what we’re coming out with, so we deliver at all hours of the day to avoid getting spied on.” The cops didn’t look like they believed him, so he went on, saying “Come on, man. They called me up in the middle of the night and told me I had to come down to the store and pick up a delivery. I can’t go home until it’s done, so if you’re really all that scared, lemme just leave it on the porch, okay?”

“No,” said the shorter cop. “It’s cool. Deliver it and get outta here.”

“Thank you,” said Doctor Ralph. He moved forward and handed the bag to Adam, who was still waiting in the doorway.

“Just which store did you say you were with, again?”

Doctor Ralph admitted to himself that these cops were at least half-smart, which was not something he was used to in smaller towns like this.

That’s not to say he wasn’t ready to handle it. He held up the paper bag and pointed at the logo on the front of it. “Yeah,” said the shorter cop, “I get that. But which branch? There’s, like, four of those places in this town.”

Doctor Ralph thought to himself Six, actually, but instead said “Over on Issaacs.”

The cop write it down in a notebook he’d taken from his pocket while Adam sniffed at the bag and said “Dude! This smells awesome! Thanks!”

“No problem, sir,” said Doctor Ralph. “Thanks for signing up as a beta taster!”

He got in his car and drove away.

According to his research, once Adam ate the burger he would begin sweating within ten minutes. His skin would become hot to the touch after twelve minutes. At fifteen minutes he would begin singeing his clothes and anything else he touched.

At roughly the twenty-minute mark, he would be immolated as his very skin caught on fire and everything within a two-foot radius melted or was destroyed.

That was what his research told him, based on the other studies and other eaters of approximately the same age, weight, and size as Adam, and he was satisfied. He put the car into gear and continued driving away so he could ditch the car.

Within five minutes, however, he saw a blast in the rearview mirror as Adam Martin exploded with the power of a bundle of TNT, killing himself, the two cops, and the neighbors on either side of his apartment.

It was an impressive explosion, and, in a happy accident, took care of the cops who had seen his face. Satisfied, now, that he was safe, Doctor Ralph parked SaraBecca’s car down an alley between Colville and Spokane streets and left the keys on the front seat before walking back to the hotel and going to bed.