Look to the Nerds – the Nerds Will Save Us…

We live in an increasingly morally-gray time...

It’s no big news flash to anybody, I’m sure, and as we surge forward as a race of people upon this planet we’re discovering more and more that the more detailed something becomes, the more definite we define something, the harder it is to declare anything as entirely anything.

Some people point to Dr. Alfred Kinsey as a principal source for this dilution of absolutes when he created his “Kinsey Scale of Sexuality” that posited that nobody is 100% straight or 100% gay and instead we all have some sort of mix of sexuality.  Whether or not this is actually true is irrelevant (read: I don’t actually care), but the dissolution of absolutes is a certainty.  

This is especially prevalent in politics here in the US, where we have precisely ZERO politicians who we believe are wholly good people.  The popular saying is that we are always forced to choose between the lesser of two evils and the majority of Americans have pretty much resigned themselves to their fate of being lead by people that they don’t really believe in or like, but merely those whom they dislike the least.

            Yes, this is a very real problem.

            Yes, it can be solved.

            No, it will not be easy.

            But it will be a hell of a lot of fun - to watch and to be a part of.

            The solution, in a single word:  Nerds.

            Yes.  Nerds.  The Nerds will save us.  And they’ll be spectacularly awesome in doing so.

So lets start with the very concept that begins this piece, the concept of right and wrong and absolutes.  I put it to you, dear reader, to name me anybody who knows more about right and wrong than nerds.  The people who immerse themselves daily in morality tales – whether they’re movies, comics, novels, fan-fiction, role-playing games, or video games.  These are people who have collectively saved the multiverse an infinite number of times and continue to do so, daily.  

You may laugh, and you wouldn’t be the first, but consider this:  Who would you trust to do the right thing the most often; someone who reads newspapers?  Or someone who reads Superman comics?  You’re looking at a choice between someone who lives their lives at the whim of the media and has no hard-and-fast defined moral compass and someone who worships the personification of truth and justice.  Don’t get me wrong – I’d hire newspaper guy to do my taxes and help me buy a house, but when it comes to who do I want backing me up in a fight or lending a hand in times of trouble, an kindly ear to listen to my troubles, or a shoulder to cry on – give me a Superman any day of the week.

As Terry Pratchett said in Men at Arms:

            “If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you're going to die. So they'll talk. They'll gloat.

            They'll watch you squirm. They'll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar.

            So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word.”

The quote has always spoken to me about certainty, and it comes to mind more and more these days as we, as a race of people, are less certain of anything.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in compromise – extremes and extremists are best viewed as cautionary examples of how horribly too-far something can be taken – but the idea, the concept of a good man knowing the difference between right and wrong and acting accordingly is an important thing to note.

And who knows right and wrong better than nerds?

But beyond the mythology and religion of nerds let’s take a second to really think about what nerds go through and survive throughout their lives...

They’re persecuted for their fandom.  

They’re made fun of by “cool” people constantly.

They’re ostracized and outcast – by their peers, their families, and society at large.

They’re misunderstood by anybody outside of their particular geekdom, and yet ANYBODY who comes to them wanting to know more is INSTANTLY welcomed.  (it’s true – if you ever want to feel like a welcome, accepted, and appreciated member of something just ask a nerd to tell you why they love what they love and you’ll become their best friend immediately).

Nerds know what it’s like to be outsiders, so they’re all-inclusive and they welcome new friends and members to their ranks.

Nerds know what it’s like to be judged, so they don’t judge others based on where their fandom or loyalties lie.  (sure, they’ll bicker amongst themselves, but no more so than any family does – and while they may disagree with each other, woe to the outsider who dares to speak against one of their own)

And, very importantly, nerds know what it’s like to share.  Hobbies and obsessions are expensive and nerds are well aware of this, which is why they’re typically all too willing to let fellow nerds use their gear/equipment/books/dice/action figures.  Hell, in The Nerd League (my cadre of friends – my second family – my brothers-in-dice), a group of about a dozen guys who have played D&D for most of our lives, we have, I think, two copies of the player’s handbook.  Mind you, this is the ONE book that is absolutely essential to play, and every time we decide to play D&D we pass it around the like the town bicycle.  The same thing goes for dice – we have, collectively, roughly 1,000 dice between the 13 of us and without fail SOMEONE forgets theirs every time we play.  Why?  Because we damn well know that there are enough to go around and we’re willing to share.

I’m getting off-track here, sorry.  Ultimately, nerds go through hell for most of their lives for simply being who they are and loving what they love and it never stops them.  Where else are you going to find that kind of strength of character?  That steadfastness?

So if you want to see change in society; if you want to see justice done, people treated fairly, everybody included and welcomed – look to nerds as your leaders.

I gave up on caring about presidential debates long ago, but I would pay hard cash to watch two presidential candidates duke it out on Starcraft.

I would commit voter fraud just so I could cast multiple votes for a candidate who can explain to me how T.H.A.C.0 works.

I guarantee you right now – you elect a nerd and you’ll see real change real fast to the greatest benefit of the most people for the greatest good.

After all, it was Spock himself who said “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…  Or the one.”   

And who knows (and lives) Star Trek quotes better than a nerd?

Playing for the Sake of Playing

NERD ALERT -- fair warning, I'm gonna get geeky in here and talk about some nerdy-ass shit like comic books and figurines and miniatures.  If you have any questions about anything talked about in here feel free to email me and I'll do my best to explain it to you.

I play Heroclix.

There, I said it.

I used to play, when the sets first came out, and then I stopped and sold 90% of my collection because the early figures were vastly unbalanced and the rules were still being re-worked and re-tooled...  I was also dealing with some rather painful personal issues; a lot of anger, a bit of self-loathing and low self-esteem coupled with my completionist attitude and desire to own all the figures lead to me spending too much money and too much time on something that ultimately enraged me and alienated me from some friends, so I quit.  Gave up playing completely and only held onto a few choice figures (my Batman and Superman figures because come on, it's freakin' Batman and Superman - they're just too cool to get rid of).

Then I found myself in my local comics shop and they asked me to play in their weekly tournaments after I'd bought a few single figures to help fill out my Batman and Superman collection.  I had no intention of playing, the wound was still sore and I was afraid to find myself getting too involved again and not enjoying it.  I came up with countless excuses to avoid playing, ultimately hoping that telling them that I didn't have the time in my schedule to play would get me off the hook.

And then they changed the time and day of their tournaments so that I could play.

Dammit.  Out of excuses.

So I wandered in one Saturday after teaching a karate class, paid my entry fee, got my booster packs (each with five random figures), built my team, and played.

And it was fun again.

The guys were cool - friends instantly - and while there were winners and losers for certain, everybody just kicked around and had fun with it.  There was no hyper-competitiveness (well, there was a little, but not enough to turn me off), nobody's feelings got hurt (that I could tell), and we were all just like-minded nerds hanging out in our little clubhouse of a comic shop making obscure pop-culture references and jokes and enjoying a Saturday afternoon.

So I kept playing.

I never did very well, but within a couple of weeks I was regularly placing in the middle of the pack.  Never winning, but I came in second once and the shop owner was awesome enough to kick in a few random booster packs for people to pick from so that everybody at least got to take home something.

A tournament started up soon after I started playing again, promoting the newest set of figures that had come out based on a Marvel Comics storyline that was published last year called Fear Itself.  The figures were wickedly cool, extremely detailed, and I really enjoyed the sealed tournaments (where you buy packs at the store and build your team based on the random assortment you got) because it kept things even.  Some of the more hardcore players, of course, had hundreds of figures and, given the chance, could construct some practically unbeatable teams, so the sealed events were my game of choice.

And then something strange happened last week...

I won.

The grand prize.

The ultimate, final game of the entire tournament, netting me this gorgeous figure as my prize:

I was overcome with pride and joy at actually winning, for once, as well as the incredible prize, but what really struck me the most was the reaction of the other guys.  Everybody was really happy for me; there were lots of handshakes and shoulder-pats and really kind words all around and it really got to me, making me feel really good about just playing.

Which brings me to my point.

There are a lot of people I know who insist on playing to win.  For them, the game isn't the thing, winning is.  It's only fun for them if they win.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, I think robs people of a lot of enjoyment of the fun of just playing.

Remember when you were a kid and you'd just go outside and play?  Not sports, not competitions, just whatever your imagination came up with.  There were no winners or losers, there was nothing to win or lose at.  It was just playing for the sake of playing, and it was fun.  Everybody had a good time and everybody went home happy.

It seems to me that this unfettered play is driven out of us as we grow older.  Playing "nothing," is replaced by playing sports or specific games and instead of being about just having a wild, grand old time, it becomes about winning.

Now before anybody gets all uppity and starts beating their chest and accusing me of being one of those bleeding-heart hippie liberals who things everybody deserves a trophy, just stop.  I'm not saying that.  I think we should reward winners and that everybody is not equal and that we need to take the lessons learned from failure and use them to encourage us to do better and improve ourselves.

But I don't think we need to sacrifice one type of play for the other.

Personally I like to play Roleplaying Games - like Dungeons and Dragons, RIFTS, and the like.  The great thing about those games is that it's not about winning or losing at all, it's about telling a story, and winning at an RPG means you told an awesome story that everybody enjoyed and had fun playing/telling.  It's the opposite of competition, really, as nobody wins unless everybody wins, and the prize itself is the enjoyment of the game that everybody shared with each other.

There need to be more games like that.  Or better yet, people need to play that way more often so that we get back to enjoying the simple act of playing again.

Play time is fun time, after all, and having fun is always a win.

So I challenge you, dear readers, to try it sometime.  Find a game, an activity, something with other people around you to play with and don't keep score.  Don't worry about who's winning or losing.  Ignore the rules you don't like or, better yet, make up your own.  I'll even make it easy on you -- click here and drop the $25 to get a game that guarantees so much fun for everybody who plays that I promise you won't give half a shit about winning or losing and you'll never want to stop playing.

From there I'm sure you'll find more games and have more fun all around.

Enjoy!

(and please, I invite everybody to email me or post in the comments some of your more awesome moments from playing this game - it'll only inspire others to play and try to make their own awesome combinations and we'll keep the cycle of everybody winning going on for pretty much ever)

The Benefits of Working in the Retail/Service Industry

I recently wrote an article to submit to Cracked.com and I'm having some trouble getting it published by them because it has no factual basis and isn't supported by any actual scientific studies.

I get that - I understand, and I'm not debating that with them because while there are several studies that show exactly how retail store layouts actively brainwash consumers from the second they walk through the door, there are no (or, at least, I have yet to find them) studies that scientifically show exactly how working in retail will make you a better person.  Apparently academia just doesn't give a shit about the actual people who do the job or what they gain from doing the job, science just wants to continue telling us all that major corporations are major douchebags and we're all doomed.

So, in my own little personal effort to combat negativity with humor and insight, here is the article:

6 Reasons Why Everybody Should Have to Work Retail at Some Point in Their Lives

(I know, I know, it's a long title -- shut up and read)

            Rather than spending money on self-improvement, did you know that there is a program out there right now that will improve nearly every aspect of your life and make you a better person…  that actually pays you?

            Granted, it’s minimum wage (plus spiffs/tips/commission), you'll be sexually harassed and verbally abused daily, you'll have no social life, and any romantic relationship will be strained at best, but by surviving and thriving through the hell-on-Earth that is the retail or service industry you’ll be a better person in nearly every aspect of your life.

            For example, did you know that by working retail…

6.     You’ll handle stress better.

            Retail is incredibly demanding.  You have to provide quality service to your customers, of course, but on top of that you have to receive, check-in, and put away freight; price or re-price large sections of the store; set up new displays and tear down old displays – and while you’re doing all of this you have to hit your sales goals for base-product and add-ons and service plans and in most places you have goals for convincing customers to sign up for a store credit card.

            Forget to do any one of these things and your job is in jeopardy.

            And rather than working in a state of perpetual fear, you have to plaster a friendly smile on your face and greet each customer like they’re your new favorite person in the world because a shitty attitude kills sales.

            In order to be successful (and stay sane) you develop a sense of perspective – you find yourself asking “If I don’t get these two feet of space priced properly, is anybody going to die?  Are they going to close the store?  Are they going to unleash the dickwolves upon me?  Am I really going to have to deal with anything other than a harsh talking-to from some jackass in a clip-on tie?”

            The answer to all of these questions, of course, is “no.” 

            And once you learn that the results aren’t all that dire, you relax and get to work (because it is your job, after all, and if you just fucked it off you would be fired).  And when customers come in you’re able to put down what you’re doing and help them, politely, with a friendly attitude, offer them everything under the sun, and when they’re out the door again you can get back to work until someone else interrupts you with a request for help.

            And those constant interruptions?  Those just mean…

           

5.     You’ll learn patience

            We all know someone who goes to bars and clubs and propositions pretty much everybody in the room, regardless of how many rejections they get.

            And when you ask them why they’re such outrageous douchebags, they always say the same thing:  “If only one in a hundred chicks will sleep with me, how am I ever going to find her if I don't ask a hundred chicks?”

            Chances are they learned that technique through working retail.

            While hooking up with customers for one-night-stands is fun, I'm actually talking about that "Keep trying until you succeed" attitude.  The one that prompts store managers to hang up posters of Michael Jordan saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" and repeatedly tell you that Babe Ruth struck out 60% of the time in between sessions of furrowing their brow and asking you bullshit questions like “Why didn’t you offer that person the service plan?  Why didn’t they buy two packs of batteries with their purchase?  Why didn’t they want to save money by signing up for a store credit card?”

            To get your manager to shut the hell up you take to offering everything to every customer…  And getting turned down upwards of fifty or sixty times in a row.

            But sometimes, someone comes in with the perfect attitude and money to burn that makes them the perfect customer. 

            This is the person you have been waiting for.

            If you’d given up out of frustration from rejection, you’d never have hit up this person who, amazingly, actually does want a store credit card and does have a bedside drawer full of "appliances" or "massagers" that need batteries and really could use that service plan because they stripped the gears on their last three "massagers" (or dropped them in the shower).

            Once you have a few tastes of success at work by sticking to it even after you’ve been maced, slapped, kicked in the junk, and rejected hundreds of times, you’ll carry that same perseverance and patience into your real life.

            It’s a the difference between fear of failure and fear of success; if the consequences of failure are negligible, why wouldn’t you take the chance?  At worst nothing happens, and at best you succeed.

            And of course, you’ll only succeed more when…

4.     You learn to communicate better

            Working in retail/service exposes you to the widest cross-section of humanity possible.  You’ll enjoy the company and patronage of both the smartest people on the planet (because even doctors and astrophysicists need to buy toilet paper) and the dumbest people imaginable (the ones who actually eat toilet paper).

            And you need to be able to communicate with every single one of them them, along with everybody in between, effectively and successfully.

            Working in retail teaches you the invaluable skill of being able to look at a person, and within five seconds of them opening their mouth you’re able to mimic their speech patterns, cadence, tone, and vocabulary in order to make a personal connection with them and convince them to buy stuff from you.

            Outside of work you’ll find yourself doing the same thing in your personal interactions with friends and family, and you’ll forge stronger connections with them because they suddenly think you really get them.  You listen better, and more, which helps you translate the half-truths people tell each other every day and you’ll find yourself not just talking, but actually communicating more truly and more deeply than before.

            You’ll make friends faster and more easily because that’s your job, and taking it outside of the store just makes the rest of your life easier.

            And when communication fails and everything goes to hell, you’ll still handle it well because in working retail…

3.     You’ll learn self-control

            If a child wandered into your house and pooped on your home entertainment system, you’d be perfectly within your rights to drop-kick them straight through your bay window.

            But in retail you get to watch the little-abortion-that-wasn’t ruin hundreds of dollars of merchandise and do nothing.

            Then you get to go clean it up for them.

            Outside of a retail/service environment this behavior would be considered ludicrous, but at work it’s par for the course.  You don’t get to do so much as throw a nasty look at people who literally come into your place of business and try to start a fight with you because they’re upset and want someone, anyone, to take it out on.

            Success in retail largely depends on your ability to remain patient and in control as you watch someone break something, then ask for a discount because it’s broken. 

            Finding proper, constructive outlets for your pent-up rage and frustration serves your everyday life in obvious ways; you’ll live longer and healthier by having reasonable responses stored up in your system for when something pushes you towards the edge of stabbing someone in the eye with a spork.  Where other people would break and go on a seven-state-killing-spree, you will simply take a deep breath, maybe have a 10 minute break to go smoke or watch cat videos and let the anger subside so you can get back to work.

            This level of self-control also means…

2.     You’ll be cleaner and more organized

             Working retail is a paradox – you have to keep everything neat, tidy and put away; lined up and priced properly at all times (this is called "fronting" and is named such because you have to literally pull merchandise to the front of the display); and customers are constantly digging through your clean and organized piles of merchandise hoping to find one with an incorrect price tag or a scuff mark on the packaging so they can rip you off.  Once they leave the store you get to work cleaning and organizing again, only to have the very next customer come in and let their hellspawn children pee on the home theatre display (I have actually seen this happen). 
             You don’t get to close down the store just to clean up, so you learn quick and easy ways to straighten up one little bit at a time so that over the course of the day you end up with a store that’s relatively as clean and neat and tidy as it was when you opened. 
               After doing it at work for long enough, you'll start doing it at home as well.
               Don’t like cleaning the bathroom?  Don’t.  Just take a minute between rounds of Call of Duty to go clean the toilet.  After a few more rounds, go run a magic-eraser sponge over the sink and counter.  When you rage-quit for the third time because some cocksucker is using a lag switch and you swear to gods that he’s following you from room to room just so he can stab you in the back and laugh at your corpse…take five minutes to regain your sanity and go wash the tub. 
               Any one of those activities takes maybe two to three minutes each to accomplish, but doing them all at once is a pain in the ass.  Doing them one at a time is so easy it hardly counts as “work,” and when you space it out like that it’s not a chore at all.  Soon you’ll find yourself handling all of your housework this way, taking care of all your chores just a little bit at a time and finding that you actually get far more done this way.

1.      You’ll be a better customer

            Like walking a mile in someone else’s shoes, you gain a whole new respect for the people on the other side of the counter (or on the other end of the phone) once you’ve been that person.

            Once you’ve had someone bitch at you about putting onions on their burger when they specifically said NO ONIONS, you find yourself that much more willing to forgive the waitress (and cook) who make a mistake with your order.

            After having a complete stranger call and yell at you because their kid downloaded a terabyte of porn then DEMAND you take the charge off of their cell-phone bill, you’re more willing to be patient with the customer service operator while they look up your account and figure out whether or  they’re allowed to credit your account when you have an issue.

            Nobody knows who started the bullshit rumor that you have to be an asshole to get what you want, but anybody who works retail will tell you in no uncertain terms that the worse you behave as a customer, the worse service you’re going to receive.  But if you’re nice?  If you’re polite and treat the employees with respect and courtesy?  You’ll get everything you want, and more, because they’ll be that much more willing to work with you.

            It’s like those scenes in movies when some big-spending, high-rolling regular customer walks into a store or restaurant and gets the red-carpet treatment.  It starts with the customer – if you're good to the employees, they’ll bend over backwards to give you anything and everything they can get away with.

            And who doesn’t want to be that guy?